Vol 97: This wound so deep
As blanketed as it may initially sound, humans enjoy and rely upon the concept of order. Whether it is in law or in life in general, we depend on certain conditions, practices and expectations without which we would be awash in a sea of confusion. On a daily basis, the sun rises and then the sun sets. Simple and easy to understand.
When life is structured, it simply makes more sense. Random is only random when contrasted with our normal expectations. Comforted by predictability and continuity, our lives revolve around the maintenance of order. For many, that means we attend school, get a job, possibly get married and have children and then we die. While there are many who will never marry or might hold a job before finishing school, the standard linear sequence of first one, then the other does not take us by surprise.
Suddenly celebrating Christmas in June would upend our sense of normalcy and create chaos and confusion across the world. Snowfall during the heat of the summer will send scientists and climate change activists reeling with anxiety and staunch Christians to bended knee. While we may crave excitement from time to time, we depend on normality. It’s human nature. And when that sense of normality is overturned it can be, even under the best of circumstances, utterly devastating.
So, when parents outlive their children, when a mother loses her only son, the universe feels like it’s imploded because the natural order of life has been corrupted. No one understands this better than the mother highlighted in today’s report. Her son called her Nick and she called him Buddy.
Nick was born in Nassau in 1960 as the civil rights movement in America was gaining momentum and would lead to the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the most powerful legal document in the war against racial inequality in the history of the modern Americas. As that era of change and demand unfolded, her father worked for the Bahamas government and her mother was one of the first black women in The Bahamas to work for a bank.
Nick says that she had an incredible childhood with her three sisters and their only brother. Vastly different from the world her son inherited, life was a lot simpler. She recalls the excitement of friends showing her their new Barbie dolls and skipping rope for Christmas at a time when getting a bicycle was like winning the lottery. Home, school and church dominated her social calendar and every night, she ate dinner with her parents and siblings together as a family.
By the time she was 23, Nick had already found her passion. She’d worked as a teacher for one year at a private school before transitioning into the banking sector, following in the footsteps of her mother. She remained there for over 30 years and in a full circle move, she returned to her first passion and became an administrator at a local community college. There she found immense joy influencing the lives of hundreds of children.
Nick met her husband in 1983. It was love at first sight and they were married three years later in a simple, romantic ceremony. Her husband’s emotional support guided her through many dark days, including the death of her parents, just two years apart.
Less than 10 years ago, Nick’s father began experiencing pain in his back that became so debilitating that he sought attention from a doctor at a local clinic. Blood work and X-rays were ordered and results were conclusive for lung cancer so diffuse that only one quarter of his lung was still functional. He died within two months of his diagnosis at the age of 75.
Not long before that, Nick’s mother suffered through a more treacherous ordeal. She began having pain in in her stomach one evening and assumed it was from something she ate. When the pain didn’t resolve with rest and over the counter anti-inflammatories, her family doctor told her that it was likely from a gall bladder infection. It would be weeks before they realized that she had stomach cancer. Six months of chemotherapy weren’t enough to save her and she died at the age of 76.
Losing two people who loved her more than anything in the world created a deep wound in Nick’s heart. She and her husband had one son. So, being a wife and a mother gave her purpose and a reason to wake up every morning. When asked about Buddy, Nick replied that he was a really happy baby. She had him two weeks before her 29th birthday and from the moment he left her womb he was as curious as he was active. She says she blinked her eyes and he was already graduating high school at the age of 15. The baby boy she bathed, clothed and fed and who she and her husband took from one sporting event to the next was quickly becoming a man whom they were immensely proud of.
Their happy life felt like it could go on forever but in October 2020, the entire family was exposed to the Covid-19 virus and became very ill. While everyone else slowly recovered, Nick eventually had to be admitted to the hospital after she developed multiple blood clots in her lungs and literally couldn’t breathe. Months had passed and her situation had now become so life-threatening, she was rushed to Emergency and placed in the intensive care unit. She remained there just over two weeks, spending Christmas away from her family.
By mid-January, when she was finally discharged, she noticed that Buddy was dragging his feet as he walked. She knew every freckle on his body so the subtle change in his ambulation pattern seemed blatant to her maternal eye. Immediately concerned, Nick asked Buddy how he was feeling and he said he was okay except for the weird odor he kept smelling. Not knowing if it was a side effect from Covid-19 she took him to see her doctor the following day and from there he was sent to the emergency room.
Buddy was diagnosed as having had a stroke and was kept in the hospital for six days before being released. From then, he was readmitted, discharged and readmitted to the hospital every month for six months straight. His symptoms worsened - weakness, blurred vision, stomach pain, memory loss and occasional confusion and his headaches became more enfeebling with each visit. Following an exhaustive rigamarole of tests, doctors diagnosed him with everything from long-term Covid-19, to demyelinating disease to multiple sclerosis. After three MRI’s, oral medication and therapy with no notable improvement, his doctor suggested performing a brain biopsy. At that point, Nick’s concern morphed into frustration.
Fearing the worst, she and her husband took Buddy to a hospital in the US for a second opinion. Nick prayed the entire plane ride there. The same day of his evaluation, Buddy was admitted to the hospital and Nick’s greatest fear had been realized when Buddy was diagnosed with a rapidly growing brain tumor. Within a week, he underwent a tumor resection followed by 33 rounds of radiation and 42 consecutive days of chemotherapy. Following a one-month break, he was administered chemotherapy for an additional five consecutive days every 28 days for six months. A follow-up MRI one year later showed that the tumor was gone entirely and his cancer was in remission.
The family celebrated like never before. God had answered their prayers and Buddy’s life had been spared. His appetite returned and he began putting on weight. He had energy to hang out with his friends and fraternity brothers but he found the most pleasure being with his family, watching sports and listening to music. Life quickly fell into a normal rhythm after an entire year of upheaval but their celebration was short-lived.
Two months later in August 2022 a follow-up MRI revealed a new tumor on the same right side of his brain where the last tumor was resected. Another brain surgery was performed, this time by laser, and Nick spent another Christmas in the hospital but this time she was caring for her son. Between January and April 2023, Buddy underwent more chemotherapy and radiation but a new MRI in May revealed another tumor this time on the left side of his brain and nearly twice the size of the previous tumors combined. Doctors told Nick and her husband that there was nothing else that they could do for their son. He died at home two months later at the age of 33, in the august of his prime.
The last few weeks of Buddy’s life were a quiet, peaceful epilogue to a life once dominated by a love of sports and brotherhood. He’d fought incredibly hard to live but the fight was too much for his body. Friends describe Buddy as a gentle giant. He obtained a master’s degree in business administration at the age of 22, he loved to listen to Junkanoo music (a proud Saxons fan), he was active in church and his fraternity and he enjoyed playing basketball, softball and baseball. He was quiet but funny and he craved Chinese food on a weekly basis.
As for Nick, she says that she has a village who support her but her greatest joy comes from the love of her husband. She’s still in shock so her pain comes in waves and there’s not a day that goes by that she doesn’t think about Buddy or ask God why he had to die. Her take-home message is that no day is promised to any of us so live in the moment and cherish the people you love in your thoughts, in your words and in your actions because the death of a child creates a wound so deep that you can never recover. Hold onto your kids she says, and never, ever let go.
This is The KDK Report.
